Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Any kind of addiction wants to kill you. It doesn't matter if it's bulimia, doesn't matter if it's anorexia, it doesn't matter if it's gambling. You know, whatever the addiction is the end result.
That's why they say most all diseases have a pathology. They have a beginning, you can trace it, and it has a distinct pathology. And at the end of all that pathology is death. You know, just like with fighting and wrestling and all that stuff. It works much better with a mentor, you know, same thing as recovery.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Welcome to Outside Issues with Audrey and Patrick.
Welcome Nick, my brother from aa Hermosa Beach Men's Stag. It's good luck for all of us that it's your birthday month, actually this month, so we can make this, like a kind of a celebration of your continued sobriety. You know, one of the things that came up for me with the movie that I loved near the Beginning is when Mark Car is being interviewed and he talks about the difference between a flashlight and a laser beam. And the flashlight is flying all around the room, and that's usually the losing. The guy who loses the fight is a flashlight. And then the laser beam maintains that 100% focus. And of course, he gets the shit kicked out of him whenever he fails to be a laser beam. And that's how we. The story kind of ends up. But the. The story of human beings is that you can't be a laser beam for any sustainable period of time. You know, it's the nature of life to kind of like, lead us in all these different directions. And, you know, it's. We kind of ride the wave as well as we can, but eventually you're going to crash onto the rocks and, you know, to mix a bunch of
[00:01:56] Speaker C: metaphors, I've always been a flashlight man.
I don't know how to not be. Unfortunately, I wish I was a bit better at being a laser beam.
You know, sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm able to, you know, sit down and focus on one thing for 14 hours in a day, like, no joke.
But most of the time I'm. I'm darting around and doing a million different things at once and getting distracted and then forgetting. And. I mean, I watched the Smashing Machine last night, and I was like. I sat on my couch, I'm like, oh, my God.
I.
I didn't watch the movie, and I, you know, I busted out, like, half of it. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna. I'm just gonna go to bed. And then this morning, I Finished it.
[00:02:44] Speaker D: God, getting sober at the South Bay Alano Club was the best thing I ever did. And all my. All my AA girlies are down there. And I haven't really stuck to a group up here yet just because of multiple factors, but, God, did the Alano Club save my life?
[00:03:03] Speaker B: We have our men's group the same time that the women have their group every Monday night. And we're actually. I was really glad that one of the guys came to us at the end of the last meeting, because what happens, we get out, we're really loud, and we're all just kind of hanging out in the parking lot. And I think the meetings are stacked. That the women's is going on for. Do they end a half hour earlier than ours, Nick, or do they. They ended a half hour later.
[00:03:29] Speaker C: If they ended a half hour later.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:33] Speaker C: And we're rowdy. It's like, I feel bad, you know,
[00:03:36] Speaker B: that's what I was going to say is we're going to get, like, a commission of hall monitors together and we're going to just try to move the group, like, further on down the parking lot. Because I just, like. I like that. That it was Yum Yum who came around and told us about it. He was talking to them and. But, like, we want to make it so that we don't want the women to not feel safe and, like, they have their own space and meeting to go to that's not being intruded upon by how, like, boisterous we get.
So. So. Yeah. Yeah, right. Snap. Snaps.
[00:04:07] Speaker D: Some of us are extremely, extremely loud ourselves. Especially if you're living in a Sober living with 10 other women, you tend to get really, really loud because you have to. I mean, there's lots of drama. So you're screaming like, who stole my fucking pillow? Who stole. Who stole my mail? Somebody stole my mail one time at a sober living. So, you know, we get. We can get very rowdy at meetings and scream. Screen out. Scream out our frustrations at our addiction. And men.
[00:04:39] Speaker C: That's fair.
Men are difficult.
[00:04:42] Speaker D: Yes.
Thanks for validating.
[00:04:45] Speaker C: Yeah, no, we are difficult.
Covid was interesting, man.
I was. Oddly enough, it was one of the first. I used to bodybuild.
And I took it so seriously that, like, it's pretty much all I did other than, like, AA and, you know, other little things. But, like, I wouldn't do anything that would injure myself. I'm like, if I'm going to injure myself, I have to do it in the gym because, like, this is what I'M serious about.
And that ended for me more like it was just another thing that God removed from my life. Because that is my experience.
Being sober is God kind of just removes things from my life.
He's like, yeah, you're not going to do that. And, you know, I could fight it or I could just be like, yeah, that's fine. And I just remember coming back to LA and I'm like, oh, everything's closed now. Like, what just happened? And it was depressing, man.
You know, like, that was a really rough period of time for me. Like, I stopped going to meetings in person. Obviously I didn't go to meetings on Zoom.
I was living with an ex at that time. Well, a now ex.
And it was interesting, you know, I kind of just bought a gaming PC.
I bought some, like, workout stuff. I bought some, like, bands, you know, on Amazon. And I was, like, trying to work out at home and like, ordering a lot. I never used Postmates or, you know, Uber Eats until Covet. I didn't even know that existed.
You know, that started. And actually I started developing, like, a little bit of a gambling habit along with some, like, real crazy video game habits, you know, because what else is there to do?
You're just kind of stuck in home.
But Covid was hard, man. And it kind of coincided with, like, I have kidney disease from my bodybuilding and it coincided with that. And I was like, it's really depressing. It was a really hard time for me.
You know, I didn't think about, like, drinking or anything. It wasn't really about that. It was just like, kind of about like, okay, like, I have this like, thing that's like, probably going to interfere significantly with my life one day and I'll probably need a kidney transplant one day.
And I was like, all right, I'm just gonna rot and die and wait till that happens.
Obviously it's been like six years since then and my kidneys are better than they were back then.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: So one of my things is I. I'll probably need a knee replacement at some point. The one I've got is working reasonably well. And, you know, I fight for the time to. To exercise and to kind of like, you know, build back my atrophied leg to where, you know, my knee's not taking as much heat is. It is currently. But somebody else in recovery told me something the other day about self pity, if we want to call it that, or just like letting ourselves feel like the darkness.
It's okay. And in fact, it's important to let ourselves do that just as long as we don't live there. You know, it's about getting in and getting out. And this. This guy, this, you know, he's another fellow in recovery, was telling me that sometimes he'll just give himself minutes.
He'll sit on the foot of his bed and he'll just, like, put his head in his hands and he'll be just, God, everything's. This is terrible. I can't believe. You know, and. Right. And then. But then he will find then off ramp. And I think probably it's our life's work to kind of like, build that off ramp and then to use it to kind of get into action or kind of get into, you know, a healthy distraction or whatever you want to call it. You know, whatever we're using. It's not drugs or alcohol or whatever to medicate the pain of life.
[00:08:31] Speaker D: Especially as a therapist, I. I truly believe that you should. In order to heal, you should feel what you're feeling and sit through the discomfort.
That's the only way that you're going to get through to the light and my belief. And so when you're sitting in that, like, darkness and that discomfort you're experiencing all of your emotions that are coming up, and, like, especially when you're sober, you can. You're. We get to experience every emotion. And so that brings out the beauty of healing even more just to be able to, like, sit through the pain. And I have so many people that I see that just can't do that.
And it's sad to see because they are not able to see, you know, the other good feelings that they're able to experience. So I like that, you know, somebody is able to sit through their feelings like that. Those dark times.
[00:09:25] Speaker C: You know, I have 13 years as of April 15th that just passed. I'm a firm believer in anything that I really deeply enjoy and find pleasure in.
There's a chance that I might use it and abuse it. And, you know, one of my things is shopping. Right.
I think a lot of people have that. I've met so many people that just, like, compulsively shop. And I think for me specifically, like, I have the means to do so without harming myself unless, like, I really do it for a long time.
So I have certain amount of, like, leverage. Like, I could do this for, like, a while, and I could. Yeah, I could run really well for this amount of time. But then if I keep running, then I'll have nothing. My whole life, I'm a runner. That's what I Do Something's wrong. I want to go on a vacation. Previously, as Patrick knows, you know, it was gambling that was removed from me last May.
Well, probably more like June. Last May is the last time I gambled.
I just like things that feel good. I don't want to feel like shit. I don't, you know, and it's like, I think that's part of the human condition, you know, I don't think that's like a. You know, I'm alcoholic, so I'm going to run for. For my feelings. It's like, you know, it's a little bit of how we're raised as men. I think. For me, I was raised by an Italian father. And, you know, men don't cry. And it's. It's like that, you know, we don't cry. We're tough. We're. You know, and it's a joke. We cry. You know, we cry. We're human beings. What we're really suffering from is just being human.
[00:11:08] Speaker B: What helped you with the gambling or, like, what took it off you at the time, like, gave you, like, brought you back, I guess from that avoidance of feeling those feelings.
[00:11:18] Speaker C: When I started gambling, I think I was, like, literally of legal age to gamble. So I started gambling at 21.
Before then, actually, don't tell anyone. And it was normal. It was fun. It was a thing to do with the friends, you know. But then it turned into. During COVID I'm like, wow, there's all these online websites, and I invested a little bit of money in Bitcoin, and I've got some. I've got some dollars I could throw at this thing while I sit around. And. And I. All of a sudden, I was doing it every day. And then all of a sudden, I had a gambling software installed on my computer to block me from doing so. And then all of a sudden, I was putting the same software on my iPad and on my MacBook and on my phone and then just disabling it because it's literally just a VPN that you attach to your phone that blocks you from going on certain websites. And, you know, if. If you could figure out how to disable it pretty quickly.
And what helped me, man, I just kind of had to invite God into the room, just like I do with everything else. You know, it's. You know, like I said, my experience here in AA is things get removed from me.
I'm not good at. I don't quit.
You know, I didn't stop drinking. It was. It was removed. I was displaced from My environment in New York.
Sent out to California to go to treatment. Finished high school and treatment, which was really cool. I went to a really cool place that isn't around anymore that I'm really grateful for.
[00:12:56] Speaker B: Oh, wow, you finished. You finished school while you were in a treatment program?
[00:13:00] Speaker C: Yeah, I got a DUI. I believe it was January of 2012.
You know, me too.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: That's when I get. That's when I got my dui.
[00:13:11] Speaker C: Oh, man, that's funny. Yeah, I think it was January or. No, sorry. January of 2013 or December of 2012. My bad.
And then I was like, cool, you know, this is good. I'm just gonna not go to school because clearly I'm in some trouble here. We're done with school now we're gonna.
But, you know, luckily I was, you know, very good mom. That placed me somewhere where they let me finish up high school, and my high school also allowed that, and I got a diploma from them, which I'm super grateful for. My guidance counselor at the time, who, oddly enough, I spoke to a couple months back when I was trying to get transcripts because I was considering going back to college again.
But, dude, you know, God just removes things from us.
We see it over and over again.
And, you know, when I got back from Vegas, when I was just going to Vegas to shop, not to gamble, okay, I brought. I bought some money to gamble, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it went.
You know, I got back from New Vegas and it was all I could think about.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: Is the fantasy with. With gambling or is the thing that powers, like, the craving? Is it the. Is it the dream of the jackpot or is it just living in that tension of, like, I might lose it all? Or is it just like to. It's just it winning or is it the. The. The reward that comes after the win?
[00:14:41] Speaker C: I think it's a lot of things, I think, you know, like I said, going through a hard time at that point in my life. And there was a point in time where I used to gamble and not gamble for months at a time. And there was no real desire. There was no craving, right? The obsession. There was no obs session to gamble.
But what I will say is when it went bad for me is when I stopped playing table games as much, and I swapped over to slot machines, and on Twitch, you'd be able to see all of these people gambling online on all of these different websites, you know, and then I started doing it. And, like, there's something about the thought of I could spin a slot for 5, 10, you know, however many dollars and win.
You know, if I'm spending for $10, I could win $50,000 online.
What's the chance? You know, maybe 1 in 10, 20, 30 million.
But there's something really alluring about that. There's like, there's a certain excitement, and then there's a certain excitement about the battle, the ups and the downs.
I will say that there's something really.
I'm the type of gambler that, like, I never win immediately. That was never my story. I would never just walk into the casino. Oh, I'm doing so well. We're gonna. I'm winning the whole time. I'm the type of gambler, was the type of gambler that gets to the casino and I lose.
Like, it's bad.
And then I stage the comeback.
There's something about that, I will say, and there's just something about a really big bet. And, you know, that's very different for everyone.
I'm not going to say how much that is for me, but there's something about placing a lot of money on the table, you know, for a table game, for example, and, you know, baccarat or blackjack, you're like, the odds aren't that much against you.
They're really not, you know, blackjack, depending on the games, 46% to 48.5. And then, you know, if you're counting, you have, you know, a little bit of an edge over the casino, such as the edge they would have over you. Or baccarat, which is really just a 50. 50. Right. It's like a coin flip. Am I gonna, you know, double my money or not?
[00:17:08] Speaker B: I didn't know it was real. I thought it was just on James Bond.
[00:17:13] Speaker C: No, baccarat's one of the slowest games in the casino. That can also be just one of the most exciting, too, if you're betting big enough, I guess, for you. You know, I think the whole influencer gambling vibe, really, that's going on in America right now, and I think even across the world is like a really, really bad thing. Like.
[00:17:38] Speaker B: Yeah, they're trying to regulate it, I think. Yeah.
[00:17:42] Speaker D: Over here in Washington, we've got lots and lots of casinos, of course.
So I do see a lot of folks who have gambling issues as. As addictions and they're trying to run from something.
And, you know, it's devastating. It's devastating to a lot of families. Their families as well.
[00:18:02] Speaker C: Yeah. I think the belief that I come to or came to, I should Say a very long time ago is the belief that, you know, obviously casinos wouldn't exist if what I'm about to say came into fruition. Right.
I think that if you want to go to a casino, they have to see your balances, they have to know you have X amount of money in the bank. If you're bringing X amount of money. And it's as simple as that. No lines of credit.
You know, that being said, you only get lines of credit when you could show, you know you have money. Of course they're not going to give anyone a line of credit. That's more of a higher level experience of Vegas or experience of a casino.
You need to get your financials checked before walking in the door. I think that's what should happen. That would never happen, but I think that would provide some sort of safeguarding against, you know, people that are getting their paychecks and cashing their paychecks and going to the casino and not able to pay rent that month. Because that's a really, that's a real thing. You know, like there's the high roller and then there's not and the people who aren't.
It's stock market, put it in an index fund and just let it sit. You know, create something for yourself, for your future and for your family instead of playing a game you're not going to win in the long run.
[00:19:32] Speaker B: Right. I love, I mean I think that we, we all need to live with our choices. But I'm very anti ruination. Like nobody, I don't think anybody should be ruined for life, you know, their family ruined for life because of, you know, something that happens in a 10 second window.
[00:19:48] Speaker C: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, the Vegas scene is really alluring, you know, especially when you're a higher roller. I will say is part of it for me was I was addicted to the lifestyle, man.
You know, you're getting, I'll speak for myself. Like I would get, you know, if I'm staying at the Aria, I'd get a one bedroom penthouse in the sky suites for free, right? It's for free, right?
[00:20:14] Speaker B: As long as you're gambling, right?
[00:20:16] Speaker C: As long as you're gambling and you know like you're going out, you know, to the nicest dinners you've ever had, eating caviar and wagyu, you know, running up $1,000 dinner bill and it's free whether you win or lose.
You know, the equation is based off of like not if you win, not if you lose. What's your theoretical loss and then you get comped on that.
[00:20:41] Speaker B: So part of my recovery story is I got a really nice job towards the end of my using and then I would just spend up all my paychecks every two weeks on drugs. And then I lost the job because I couldn't stay sober while I was working. And then within a matter of weeks after that, I zeroed out and.
And then I decided to go to rehab. And you know, it really was like losing all my money was like a big incentive, you know, incentive for me to get clean because I had just had no more road to travel to a certain extent. And, and I just remember I, A few years ago I was listening to, I think it was like Chris Rock talking to some other SNL guy about Chris Farley and, you know, and Chris Farley's death and that. I think like most normal people, they just bottom out financially at a certain point, which, you know, can be a little bit of like a life raft in a strange way.
You know, they have to actually face some shit because they know they, their dealers aren't, aren't picking up anymore. And you know, they've, they've got no hotels, you know, nobody wants to put them up in their house, they can't pay the rent. And so I, yeah, I, like, I could do a lot of damage when I've got a full balance. And you know, and I think payday was always a big trigger for me because at a certain point, just like everything else in addiction, it just becomes compulsive. It's like that number goes positive.
Well, of course I gotta go get, you know, my stuff and you know, I gotta.
So, yeah, if you have the means and you know, that, that leverage is, you know, it's, it's not something that's pressing on you, but you're still able to find, you know, that recovery. Sanity.
Hats off to you.
[00:22:36] Speaker D: And for me, it's really hard because I haven't gambled, but I've shopped and shopped and shopped because I have bipolar. And so when you get into a manic episode, I literally have zero control about my spending when I have a big paycheck. I've lost jobs too, because of this illness and because of addiction too. But mainly because of being bipolar, I can't get into that recovery mindset. I don't even know what recovery is when I'm manic and all. I, you know, even in manic psychosis, I'm looking at the tick tock shop, looking at numbers of things. And if the, like, I, I have like angel numbers or something like that. So if something is like $7.77, I'm like, oh, I gotta buy this. And so what ended up happening in 2023 was I went on a spending spree on the TikTok shop and got all this shit that I had no idea what I was getting. I have, like, this tiny blender, this tiny purple blender that I don't even know, like, if it worked or not.
[00:23:41] Speaker B: That's such a weird thing to buy on a shopping spree, by the way.
[00:23:44] Speaker D: I bought a wand. I bought a toilet wand.
I bought. You know, going on that. That clothes website sheen I have. I have so many clothes that I would never wear. I would never wear. I've never worn a leather jacket in my entire life. And I don't stand on it, honestly. But in mania, I thought that I could rock the leather jacket and everybody would think that I was the coolest person on earth. Getting the help that I need through medication and therapy is my recovery.
So I'm really. I'm really glad to hear that you were able to fall back on that, on your resources in order to help yourself with the gambling and the spending. Because I don't want to buy any more toilet wands. And so I have to take. I have to.
[00:24:32] Speaker B: I'll take. I'll take your extras.
[00:24:34] Speaker D: Okay. All right.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Yeah, everyone needs one.
[00:24:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:24:37] Speaker D: They're different colors, mind you. I don't know why.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: Nick, do you do any therapy and, like, pharmacological, like, support for your recovery or.
[00:24:47] Speaker C: No, pharmacological, but yeah, I have a therapist.
She's amazing. She's in recovery. I think she's a lawyer and a psych. Legally, she's got a bunch of degrees, but she's not actually a therapist, but, like, it's life coaching, but, yeah, you.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: You get what you mean.
[00:25:03] Speaker C: She's great. She's great. Like, great.
I don't see her as much as I should. It's super expensive. It's not covered by my insurance. I think if we stop growing, that's kind of the end of us, you know? I. What is life other than, like, constant growth?
[00:25:20] Speaker B: I was gonna say, Nick, what I always think about when I think about you is your voice. It's just very calming. And I. I bet. I bet animals. The animals, like, you, like. Like the pets like to come up to you and stuff or, like, do you find that you can calm? Because I just feel like, on a very, like, sense, sensory level, you're. You just have, like, a chill vibe with you and it's something you gotta use, you know, in your life. Because not everyone has that, like, asmr. Like. Yeah, yeah, asmr. Nick talking about, you know, reading his grocery list.
[00:25:51] Speaker C: I should start streaming. Yeah. Maybe this next chapter of my life could just be me doing asmr.
Yeah. Honestly, I've had interesting experiences, like literally calming people by touching them and just like really focusing on calming energy. And I'm super grateful for it. I don't. I don't think I'm magic or anything. I just.
[00:26:13] Speaker D: You're a high vibrational individual, maybe.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: I like that. I'll write that down. So much of the movie the Smashing Machine, it's about his relationship with failure. And I think in the end there's a really strange ending where like, he gets the shit kicked out of him and he ends up losing the tournament.
And. And then while he kind of like gets his wounds tended to, he's in the shower and he's just kind of like decelerating from the fight. His buddy Mark Coleman ends up taking his place and then winning the tournament. And it's almost like you get this like, from the soil of his defeat. The plant, you know, kind of like rises to meet the sunlight and. And then there's like some close ups of, of Mark in the, in the shower. Almost kind of like, you can. Kind of my interpretation of it is that he's just kind of like finding some acceptance in his unraveling rather than resisting it as he did earlier.
[00:27:13] Speaker D: Speaking of gambling, the scene that really stuck out to me was when he was fighting in Japan and he was trying to get some painkillers and the doctor was like, oh, how about some Tylenol? How about some ibuprofen? And he kind of looks down and I can tell that face because I've had that face of like that fake. Like, I would love to, but is there anything stronger, you know, like, so kind of gambling and doctor seeking is something that I've. I've been a part of. I really related to that. Trying to manipulate in order to get the strong.
[00:27:49] Speaker C: I'm just gonna say it. I didn't really like the movie that much, but I can relate to it deeply.
Due to a past relationship.
There's two unhealthy dynamics going on at the same time, right? We have the alcoholic and we have the codependent. Right behind every alcoholic is usually a codependent. Don doesn't like how, you know, he gets sober. He comes out of treatment, whatever, whatever.
He doesn't need her. Like, he used to Anymore. And one of the. One of the biggest takeaways for me is actually that how upset she is that she. She doesn't need to play the role of this caretaker, caregiver. Like, he's trying to get better. He's trying to better himself. And honestly, I'm so surprised there wasn't a relapse involved in the story because I was, like, waiting for it. I'm like, so he's going to, you know, get back and he's going to. He's going to start participating again, right? As we do sometimes, we go back and we start participating. But instead what we saw is, is dawn and her own codependency of being with him for years and dealing with someone that has addiction or alcoholism and like, you know, the destabilization of the whole entire family system that comes along with that. We see that right in the beginning of the movie, which I'm really glad they showed that because I never fully understood and related to that until a previous relationship I was in with someone who, you know, eventually, you know, turned out to be. They were abusing medication for pretty much the whole time I was with them. And it was for quite some time. It was years.
And I just kind of. I played the role of the codependent doing everything. And like, I'm that savior. But no, I'm not. I'm not helping you. I'm causing damage, right?
And I really, really like what they did in the movie because it shows both sides. You know, it shows the codependent, it shows the alcoholic, it shows that power struggle. You know, she doesn't get what she wants. She puts a gun to her head, right? You know, he's sober, he's trying to better himself.
She's not getting what she wants anymore. She doesn't have this giant man who's, you know, essentially infantile because he's on drugs all the time, right? IV ing opiates. Like we saw in the movie. We turn into infants when we do that. We can't do anything. We need help.
Like, yo.
[00:30:27] Speaker B: Yeah, I've heard from a few people actually, like, you know, because they have mixed opinions on the movie. The way that he looked when he was sitting in front of the TV in the middle of the day, you know, there's his hair disheveled and just that kind of like dead eyed stare.
Yeah, that's. That's some real shit. You know, I feel like they really captured it.
[00:30:44] Speaker C: You know, that scene in the beginning where we first see him, you know, iving his opiates Right.
That noise they played, I was like, wow, there is something about that noise that absolutely describes IV ing opiates. Because I, you know, when I was doing my thing, that is something I participated in. And for some reason and when I heard that noise, I'm like, wow, that is what that feels like. It was very strange experience I had with that scene and that noise in particular.
I was like, I don't know how they knew to match that noise to the scene. I'm really not sure. It was really kind of interesting when
[00:31:28] Speaker B: I was using, you know, I think I was the problem, you know, first and foremost.
And it's gotten a lot better, you know, since I've been recovering. The way you are with, with the other person, you know, it's a lot of, it's like the way you are with yourself. And if you have trouble regulating your own emotions, if you have trouble kind of like facing your emotions, if you are in an emotionally unsober state, I feel like that's going to have a spillover into your relationships and then depending on how crazy the other person is, you know, it could end up being a powder keg. If it's hard, I know that there's probably something that I can try that I'm just not trying yet.
And that's like, you know, one of the gifts that the program gives me.
[00:32:10] Speaker C: There's a really good chance that all the chaos ever in my life for the most part has really just been man made. And I'm the man that made it.
That's a weird thing to realize when you think you're like really doing well, you know, and it's like, no, you're choosing this, you're choosing this.
[00:32:30] Speaker D: Choose to isolate from my partner through thinking that, you know, working on myself is what's going to better our relationship. But in fact I'm sort of just isolating myself from him and not getting that one on one time that you need in just a partnership.
And sometimes it is to avoid conflict. But luckily I've learned to, you know, sort of sit down and not have that trauma response from my past relationships and be like, oh, okay. It's not like he's telling me I'm stupid, it's he's telling me something that he feels and you know, a thing that really I'm still working on is like if he gets upset, I, I, I'll tell him. I don't want you to be upset. Please don't be upset at me.
Because the thought of somebody being upset at me or mad at me Makes me feel like I'm a piece of. And literally tears a hole in my heart. But I have to recognize. Recognize that, you know, I'm. You know, I'm not perfect. And if I do something to hurt my partner, then he's allowed to feel those feelings, and I'm allowed to sit with that discomfort. Like I said earlier, I. I can sit in that discomfort, and it's not like it's gonna go away in a second if I tell him, hey, stop being upset at me.
It's gonna go away when it goes away, and it usually goes away, luckily from my relationship within about 10 minutes.
[00:33:57] Speaker C: Sounds amazing. I'm not too familiar with that, but that does sound amazing.
[00:34:01] Speaker B: You know, yours. Yours is visiting, right, this weekend?
[00:34:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:34:05] Speaker C: Yeah, she's actually.
She's upstairs right now.
[00:34:08] Speaker B: Oh, that's cool, though. Yeah, I. I'm glad you guys have some time together, and I just really appreciate.
[00:34:15] Speaker C: She's great. This is really, like, peaceful, nice, you know, which is just something I'm really not used to.
There's, like, a learning curve involved. I feel like I'm used to having to, like, defend and, like, is something gonna get thrown at me? I don't know what's gonna happen next. Like, that's what I'm used to.
[00:34:37] Speaker B: You got a lot of love the other day at your, you know, cake, when you took your cake.
[00:34:42] Speaker C: I just kind of like to fly below the radar and just like.
Like, there's a part, like, the egoic part of me that's like, yeah. Fuck, yeah. You know, like, more attention, more attention, more attention. But then there's the more authentic part that's just like, yeah, another year. Here we go. Gotta take a cake and get attention.
[00:35:02] Speaker D: You know, I. I still carry. I carry a little bit of shame for not, like, jumping right into the AA scene up here in Seattle. But I chose my workplace to celebrate my eight years two years ago. And so, yeah, I. I felt. I. I don't know, that my boss brought donuts. And then everybody was confused. Like, we put in the team's chat, like, happy sober anniversary, Audrey. Eight years. Yay. And everybody's just like, you're sober. Like, oh, okay, cool. Congratulations. And I was just like, this is kind of a flop. But, you know, I'm maybe a little. A little bit wanted the attention, but I. I relate to you. I'm just kind of like, well, it's another year, but this. This year will be 10. And I. I really just want to, like, say about the 10 years and to tell people to inspire Others I think, yeah, that that's my main goal in, in celebrating birthdays.
[00:36:06] Speaker C: So every, pretty much every cake I took, I somewhat said the same thing. It had kind of had the same gist, right? The gist was like I'm powerless over gambling.
And then I described the obsession and then from there I described how to find relief from the obsession. Right. I don't relieve myself from it. It gets relieved from something else. And that something else just so happened to be for the gambling, talking to God. And I think, and I was talking to someone about it after the meeting because I've been a little self conscious about it because it's like most newcomers don't understand what I'm talking about. They don't. They think I'm just talking about gambling, when in fact I'm just talking about alcoholism in a different light.
While I casually tell you exactly what to do for your problem, essentially, and what works and what's tried and true, you know, there's a reason for two and three.
I gotta find God and I gotta figure out how to work with it or whatever, you know, like, I gotta just stop trying to find everything, just sit back and allow life to life, you know.
[00:37:17] Speaker B: Audrey, like whenever you had to kind of like slow down or, you know, reschedule or, you know, take some time away from work, I've. I've always seen, I think there's a lot of strength in that because it's really comes from like an acceptance of, you know, the limitations, your limitations in the moment and, you know, and self care and then you just come back stronger later. But I think that that's like, rather than just to fight the current, you know, just to kind of like take the time you need and you know, it's always, always better coming from a place like that.
[00:37:53] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:37:54] Speaker D: Yeah. Thank you. It's. I've had to come to acceptance, a radical acceptance that I have a disability and I can't do certain things that others can. And honestly, I can do things that others can't because sometimes disabilities give you opportunities. Like my disability is bipolar one disorder. And we tend to come up with some pretty wild, wild but great ideas, quite honestly. Like, my big idea at one point was, I'm going to solve the opioid crisis alone. That was. I was also a little bit in psychosis. That's a great idea.
[00:38:35] Speaker B: That's a great idea.
[00:38:37] Speaker D: I can individually, but in reality I can individually participate in that.
I do struggle a lot. I do struggle with depression quite a bit and brain chemistry and that's what led me to use and drink.
But yeah, I've accepted that I.
I can't do things to the fullest sometimes like other people. And that's okay. And that's just.
That's just what God gave me. And God gave me a lot of super.
[00:39:18] Speaker A: I look at it like I have a disease. I know what the cure is, you know, and I have to continue to take my medicine no matter what, you know, I have to continue to participate in a high level in my recovery, otherwise I get sick again.
